Midnight
by That70sshowlova
Summary: About four things I was absolutely positive. First, Edward Cullen sparkled in the freaking sun. Second, he was a vampire...that freaking sparkled in the sun. Third, he might possibly be gay. Fourth, HE FREAKING SPARKLED IN THE SUN! Crack humor.
1. First Sight

**I would just like to say that I called it "Midnight" to stick with the whole sky theme that Stephenie uses for the real books.**

**Last warning: CRACK.**

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><p><em>I'd given a lot of thought as to how I would die. I figured I should, dating a vampire and all. At first it was sexy fantasies about him draining my blood in the sack. Then it was his snapping my neck in the sack. Just <em>wrecking _me in the sack. This...was not how I figured I would go._

_I stared across the room into the horny eyes of the director. He looked lustfully back at me. Surely it was a good way to die, on the bed of a porn star. Famous, even. I knew that if I made it out of this alive, I would be the leading character if every male's fantasies._

_I should explain. That director over there? He's a vampire. That porn star over there? Vampire. My boyfriend? Vampire. Me? Human. How did I end in such a twisted situation? In the heart shaped vibrating bed filled with love stains. Well...It all started in Forks._

**Chapter One**

**First Sight.**

My mom drove me to the airport. The windows were down, cooling my hot skin. I fingered the strap of my bikini top as I stared outside. The sky was a perfect cloudless blue. It was seventy-five degrees in Phoenix, Arizona. I loved the heat. My bed is even in a fire. Or should I say, was.

"Cover yourself up, Bella." Mom scolded. She handed me my parka. I begrudgingly up it on and then continued my brooding stare outside.

"Goodbye beautiful sun. Goodbye beautiful sky. Goodbye beautiful warm air. Goodbye–"

Mom swerved into a parking space dangerously. "You don't _have _to leave, Bella." I could hear the pleading tone in her voice, though. She wanted me to go. She was, what? In her fifties now and she just go remarried to this guy named Phil.

"I want to." I said. My lie was completely obvious but she didn't seem to notice it. I was moving in with my dad that I barely talk to. He lives in Forks. Yeah, I've never heard of it either. My mom wanted me to go live in Forks because she had sex...constantly. I mean, my _God! _I do her laundry and I see cum stains everywhere. I was cleaning her room and found vibrators, muzzles, corsets, leather, chains, whips, rope, handcuffs, I even found an expensive looking camera. And lets not forget the mirrors glued to the wall.

Phil – step-dad, remember? – thought he would strike it rich by hitting a ball with a bat. I think he's crazy. He tells my mom that he was playing baseball, but he was really hunting vampires. Color me amused. This is Arizona, Phil. You aren't going to find any vampires here under the sun.

...Which was why he was going with me.

Then why does my mom want me to move out then? She's cheating on Phil with some fat Italian guy who owns a pizza place. And our neighbor. The mail man, that hobo down the street. Oh, and that chick from her book reading club. But Phil is none the wiser. I mean, he's out all hours of the night.

Phil grabbed his suitcase and carry on. And I followed him.

"Bella!" mom called, running over to me. "You forgot your bikini bottom."

Whoops. I thanked her and slipped it back on. I took my parka off (it was my carry on) and slipped my flip flops on while hauling my suitcase.

"Phily?" Mom asked as he started to go through security. "Phily Willy? Can I have some money?"

He pulled his wallet out and shoved it in her hands. I rolled my eyes and leaned against thin air, then fell backwards. Ouch. I stood back up and watched as the searcher looked through the contents of his carry on. He picked up the stake with a raised eyebrow.

"I carve."

He looked at the garlic and the holy water.

"I like...garlic...and I uh...am the priest at a Catholic church."

"Oh, sorry, Father." he apologized. "Sir, I'm going to have to search your suitcase for little boys."

Phil nodded. "Of course." he handed his suitcase over and the man picked up a lacy piece of underwear. "I'm a cross dresser."

He nodded.

I gaped. "Those are mine!" Phil had the decency to look sheepish. He handed them back as I scowled. We boarded the plane in twenty minutes.

"Tell Charlie I said," Renée licked her lips slowly and jabbed the inside of her cheek with her tongue.

I nodded and saluted her. "Will do." Those were are last words as I walked onto the plane.

Phil shoved me out of the way. "I call window seat!"

I glared at him as I sat down in the middle seat. I tried to pout and brood as I looked out the window, but Phil was too busy being a retard. I folded my arms and put on my, 'piss off' look. It's a four-hour flight from Phoenix to Seattle. Then another hour to a small plane to Port Angeles. That's not what bothered me though. What bothered me with the hour ride in the car to Forks with my Dad, Charlie. And lets not forget Sir Drools A Lot.

Charlie had been fairly nice about the whole thing. He seemed genuinely happy that I decided to come to Forks upon my own freewill. Freewill my ass. If your room was right next to your sex deviant mother who rattled your walls with the headboard banging against her own room, you would get the hell out of there also. I used to visit Charlie every Christmas, but actually seeing snow outside my window had made me depressed. I flat out refused to go to that Hellhole anymore and told him if he wants to see me, he can get his ass to Arizona.

You probably wonder why my mom and Charlie split up. You see, when I was young, well...

"_Oh, God! Billy! Don't stop!"_

Don't stop what? I had wondered. Billy Black had been my father's best friend. They fished a lot together and made me babysit his annoying little bastard child of a son. His two older sisters were too busy trying to screw – ahem, I mean _kiss _Sam Uley. The point being, Billy and Charlie were great friends. Watched football, made me entertain his son. Did cook outs, entertained his son. I mean, you would think Billy and Charlie were gay together or something. Even I thought, _Daddy gave up his princess for a prince! _Until, of course...that God forsaken night.

I had been in my room. I was only five and Jacob (the bastard child) was three. He was gnawing on my Barbie doll's head until I took my pillow and whacked him with it. Then he was crying. Whatever, earlier mom had come in saying that I needed to watch him while her and Billy had some "grown up time." I had shrugged it off, still too pissed that I was stuck with Jacob. I was trying to shut up a crying Jake when I heard...

"_Oh, God! Billy! Don't stop!"_

Five minutes later when Charlie came home I ran downstairs and said, "Daddy, Daddy! I think Uncle Billy is hurting Mommy! He's on top of her naked and she's all red in the face!" Charlie stood there in shock before he walked upstairs, pulled Billy off his wife by his long ass Indian-Hippy hair and paralyzed him from the waist down. However, none of the cops knew that because Charlie was a cop himself. He had connections. And Billy had a wheelchair. Needless to say, Billy and Charlie had a falling out.

"Bells! Over here!" Charlie called as I got off the plane. I looked for his mustache and finally found him. "Bella, I would like you to meet, your new Mommy!"

Phil clasped Charlie on the back. "Nice 'stache, dude."

"Uh, thanks. Anyway, Bella, this is Stacy."

I rolled my eyes. "That's a blow up doll, Dad. By the way, Mom says she misses giving you head." Charlie looked flustered and ushered the two of us out to his police cruiser. Phil giggled excitedly as he sat in the back of the car. He thought it was an honor, Charlie just hated his guts.

"You haven't changed much." he noticed. "How's Renée?"

"Still a whore."

And that was our conversation.

"Found you a dirt-ass-cheap car. Big, ugly. Red, attention attracting." he said after some time.

"Thanks. Where'd you get it?"

"Billy Black. Remember him?"

I raised an eyebrow. "You still talk to him?"

"I say we're even after I screwed his wife and beat his face in."

"How is his wife?"

"Dead."

I stared outside. It was beautiful, of course; I couldn't deny that. Everything was green: the trees, their trunks covered with moss, their branches hanging with a canopy of it, the ground covered with ferns. Even the air filtered down greenly through the leaves. It was too green — an alien planet.

This was going to be fun.

Charlie pulled into his driveway. He helped me with my light suitcase. Beads of sweat formed on his forehead and I finally noticed his beer gut. I took it from him and his eyes widened to saucers.

"Bells...you're, uh, you're in a bikini."

I rolled my eyes. "Duh, Dad. Everyone wheres bikinis."

He took the suitcase from me and unzipped it. "Bells, there's nothing in here."

"I don't own clothes. In Arizona, we all were bikinis."

"Well, I guess we'll just have to go shopping."

"You," I corrected. "You will be going shopping. Oh, pick me up some tampons while you're at it, will ya? I'm on the rag."

I didn't wait for a response and walked into the house. My fingers trailed across the shelves and I casually knocked over the pictures of me in elementary and middle school. I climbed the stairs and sat on my twin sized bed.

"Blue." Charlie said, dropping my suitcase to the ground. "You like blue, right?"

"Yeah."

"Well, uh, Phil will be bunking with you. Sorry about the inconvenience." he unhooked Phil's handcuffs and shoved him in the room. I pointed towards the doggy bed in the corner and Phil bounced towards it, nuzzling the soft plush. I stripped out of my bikini as Phil stared wide-eyed and open-mouthed.

"I sleep in the nude."

However, I didn't sleep very well that night. Phil kept trying to cop a feel and all I could hear was Charlie getting it on with 'Stacy'.

I screamed bloody murder when I got a good look outside in the morning. Thick, white air coated the sky. Charlie burst open the door and threw a blanket over me before asking me what was wrong.

"Mother nature is attacking us!" I pointed towards the haze.

Charlie sighed. "That's fog, Bells."

"Fog?" I asked, confused. What is _fog_? He shook his head, not even attempting to explain what the hell a fog was. I walked out of the room in my blanket. "Dad? I need some clothes."

He walked out and handed me a bundle of cloth. "Here, these were your mother's."

I shrugged and walked in the shower, dropping my blanket and putting it on the warmest temperature. When I got out I let myself air dry as I walked around the house before I slipped on the clothes. These were obviously from the '80s. I was dressed in leg warmers and a hot pink mini skirt with an off the shoulder blue shirt. I threw my long hair in a pony tail and punched Phil in the face as a farewell.

My car was an ugly truck. It was big, humongous. The paint was chipping and you could point out at least five rust spots from ten different views of the car. I climbed in, having to hoist myself up by the leather seats. It wasn't hard to find the school. Especially since there was a huge neon sign that read, "Yo! Dumbass! Forks High, right here!"

It looked like a collection of matching houses, built with maroon-colored bricks. There were so many trees and shrubs I couldn't see its size at first. I parked in front of the first building, which had a small sign over the door reading front office. No one else was parked there, so I was sure it was off limits, but I decided I would get directions inside instead of circling around in the rain like a dumbass.

Inside the building, it looked like the '70s drank too much booze and threw up in the office. It was brightly lit with florescent lighting. A little waiting area with padded folding chairs, ugly shag brownish-orange-yellow carpet. And to top it off, an older women with wild curly red hair that looked like the pubic variety. She was sweating profusely, obviously getting all hot and bothered while reading her smutty trashy romance novel with Fabio on the cover.

"Does the carpet match the drapes?" I asked casually.

She looked up. "Scram."

"I'm Isabella Swan."

Mrs. Cope, by the writing on her name tag, glared at me. "Tell your whore of a mother I want my money back."

"Too late. I think she spent your sexy time money on buying herself some Voldka." I replied. "I need my schedule."

She handed me a laminated piece of psychedelic paper and then a map. "Have your teachers sign this sheet." she explained while handing me another slip.

"Tell your mom she has an STD!" she called as I walked out the door.

"She already knows." I shot back. I got back into my car, it started with a gunshot. I parked in the student's lot and noticed that my car wasn't the only piece of shit. In Phoenix it wasn't uncommon to see the student's parents buy their kid a Mercedes or a Porsche to get them to shut the fuck up. The only semi-new car was a grandpa's car; a shiny silver Volvo. Who in their right mind would drive a Volvo?

I flipped my dark hair over my shoulder and strutted towards the school, only tripping three times. Did I mention I was a klutz? No? I'm a klutz. I headed towards the third building that would be for my English class. Everyone else was wearing ugly ass parkas too.

I tripped over the air above me as I walked up to the teacher. Mr. Mason looked up from his playboy.

"Nice tits. Sit over there."

I gave him the slip to sign and then walked over to the seat he pointed to when he returned the paper. I looked over the reading list he gave me. Fairly basic; _Clifford the Big Red Dog: Goes to School, Dora the Explorer: Goes to School, Blues Clues: Goes to School, and Sesame Street: Grover Goes to School!_

When the bell rang a gangly boy with skin problems walked up to me. He leaned against my desk, smiling.

"Bella Swan, right?" he asked. I nodded. He pulled out a card from his pocket. "Give this to your mom, will you?" I took the card from him and threw it in the trash on my way out. I walked to my next class and by the end of the class I could detect a pattern. A brave soul would walk up to me and ask to deliver a message to my mother. Apparently, she was well known for being the town slut. One of those souls was a short girl with curly brown hair. Although, yes, she heard the sexy news about my whore of a mother, she was also interested in me, not that way, well, actually yes. But also she was searching for a route to make her popular. Apparently that was me.

"Hi! I'm–" Blah, blah, Blah. Blah, blah. Blah. Blah. Blah. _Blah_. Blah. "Do you want to sit with me at lunch today?"

"Blah."

She furrowed her eyebrows. "What?"

"Yeah, whatevez."

"Yay!" she squealed. She pulled me towards lunch and I had to resist the urge to tape her mouth. We sat at a table with several of her friends.

In that lunchroom was when I first saw _them_.

They were sitting in the corner of the cafeteria, as far away from where I sat as possible in theroom. There were five of them. They weren't talking, and they weren't eating, though they each had a tray of untouched food in front of them. They weren't gawking at me, unlike most of the other students, so it was safe to stare at them without fear of meeting an excessively interested pair of eyes. But it was none of these things that caught, and held, my attention.

They were all very...good looking. Understatement, I would bone any of them. There was a tall blonde girl who I would bone. The bulky dark haired man, who I would bone. The blond that looked like he was constipated, after making him take some laxatives, I would bone. The short, innocent looking girl, I would bone. Lastly, the loner with the auburn hair. I would _wreck _him!

"Who are they?" I asked.

Jessica didn't bother looking up. "The Cullens. The bitch looking one and the dude who's on steroids, they're _together_. And then the witchy short girl and the man who looks like he needs to take a crap, they're _together _too. Their parents can't have kids or something, so they're all like, ya know, adopted. 'Cept the blonds, they're twins or something. Esme Cullen – the mom – would be the blonds aunts."

Angela glared. "They have names, Jess. The red head is Edward. Muscles, Emmett. The blonde girl, Rosalie. Short girl, Alice. The blond guy is Jasper."

"I would suggest you don't date Edward, though," a snobby blonde said, "He's," she sniffled, "Just...not good, okay?" she started to burst in tears, something about Edward chomping on her neck, I don't know.

My next class was Biology. I heard from Lauren – Edward's stalker – that his next class was also Biology. I lay sprawled out on the desk that Mr. Banner pointed me to.

"Hi, Edward," I greeted. I flipped over on my stomach, my boobs flowing out of my off the shoulder '80s top. His eyes grew dark with lust, right? He smiled at me and I noticed exactly _how _pointy his teeth were. He leaned forward and inhaled my scent. I knew this perfume was a good choice. I giggled. He pulled back and glared at me. Bipolar much? I leaped off the table and into his lap. "I'm Bella!"

He pushed me off him and I fell onto the floor. I gaped, tears springing into my eyes. How could he deny _me_? I sat in my chair, willing the tears not to fall. The class was quiet between the two of us, Edward giving me the cold shoulder. No, seriously, it was really cold around his shoulder. So cold that icky wet snow was drifting off it.

I edged away from him and let my hair curtain my face. As soon as the bell rang, I looked over to find Edward gone. I furrowed my eyebrows and stood up, going to gym. Coach Clapp gave me a uniform and directed me towards the changing rooms. I managed to trip over the basketball net that hung on the wall. I knocked over three kids, whacked someone in the head, killed a man, and gave someone a sprained ankle. You know, the usual.

When I got home Charlie had ordered pizza because he had jack shit in his cupboards. Phil was out of the house by sun set, carrying a stake and holy water, a necklace of garlic hung around his shoulders. I got on the computer in my room, waiting four hours for it to load to my email. I delivered the messages to my mother and then went off to bed.

Hovered under the covers in the nude, I cried. I cried tears of pain. Because Edward wouldn't bone me.


	2. Open Book

**Last warning: CRACK.**

**So, I would just like to say, thanks for all of the alerts, I would really appreciate it if you reviewed. :)**

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><p><em>Chapter Two<em>

_Open Book_

The next day was better...and worse. Better, because I still had the afterglow of that wild, crazy sex dream. Let's just say it involved me, some vampire fangs, and sexy, Mexican-escapee-still-deciding-his-sexuality-Edward Freakin' Cullen. Worse because, that day at school, Edward wasn't there so I couldn't fulfill my sexy fantasy. I've always been one for role play. ¡Ay, caramba!

People still passed me notes saying, "I want a piece of t'at ass." Some directed at my mom, others, my Dad. I knew what to expect though. A couple people groped me in the hallway. Teachers made out with me in the janitor's closet, moaning, "Renee." The usual.

All morning I had been anticipating his sexy, "I want you." glares. Except...Edward wasn't there. I got some sexy, "I want you." glares from his bitchy blonde sibling. Rosalie. I plan to screw her senseless behind the gym, and scream out her brother's name, but whenever I walked up to her to try and offer lesbian sex, she flashed her pointy teeth at me and hissed. Must be a cat person.

I was upset that I had my Biology desk all to myself, but tried not to dwell on it. Apparently, I had taken the place of my mother as the town whore. Mr. Banner said he'd give me five bucks for a hand job, ten for head. Why the hell not? I could use some cash.

Last night I had discovered Charlie couldn't cook anything besides cereal so I decided to use the ten bucks from Banner and treat Charlie to some McDonald's. As I ran to my car to do just that, I noticed the Cullens heavily making out with one another. Damn, they were hot. I bet they would look good even in an unflattering one piece. Bleh. But damn, they would pull it off. Bodies glistening with water...

I pumped my fist in the air and shouted, "Orgy at my place!"

The students of Forks high school in return, pumped their own fist and screamed, "Woot!"

When I got home I offhandedly slipped Charlie a quarter. "Hey, listen, there's going to be an orgy here tonight, and if you could just...you know, get lost, that'd be great."

He stared at me with a raised eyebrow. "You're grounded."

"I HATE YOU!" I screamed and stomped upstairs. My life was so unfair! I pouted and stomped across the floor.

"Hey, Bells!" Phil said, waving excitedly. "Wanna help me catch vampires?"

I thought for a moment. "No. Beat it."

He pouted but then finally left with his vampire killing equipment, screeching Beat It by Michael Jackson at the top of his lungs. I finally stopped sulking long enough to walk downstairs and open the door for the orgy party. All fifteen students from Forks High School stood on my door step. I opened the door and told them to sex it up in my Dad's room.

I walked back in my room and checked my email to find one from Renee.

"_Bella-Wellsa-Looks-Lyke-A-Fellaaaaa," _It read.

_High, babee, teeheeee. Ime totes drunk of mi asssssss. ._

_Yur Mommeee._

I deleted the email then shut off the computer. Charlie walked into my room. I expected him to be outraged, but instead found him sex drunk. Jessica Stanely groped his mustache while Lauren Mallory licked his face.

"Greatest. Idea. Ever." he declared. He turned around and left, but then the popped his head through the door. "Don't let Stacy find out."

"I won't." I promised. He left again and I pulled Stacy out from under my bed. Hmm. Time to get to work. I pulled out my sharpie and started to work on a handlebar mustache.

The rest of the week was uneventful. I contracted a couple of STDs and continued to work the corner. I got into the routine of my classes. I get an A as long as I release their sexual frustrations. By Friday, I was rakin' in the doe. Because unlike teachers, students had to pay. In gym, kids learned that all I did was sit in the corner and file my nails. What? Don't look at me like that!

Edward Cullen didn't come back to school.

Everyday I returned Rosalie's sexy, "I want you." glare, but then Jasper whispered something in her ear and she stopped looking at me all together. Bitch. So then I turned the glare on Alice. Emmett was the only one who kept up the glare. He would stop occasionally to laugh, which I didn't understand, but didn't mind.

By Friday I was officially sex deprived. Edward still wasn't back yet. I had to quench my undying thirst for him in my dreams. Where he was a sexy English-Pirate-who's-still-deciding-his-sexuality-Edward Freakin' Cullen. It involved vampire teeth and my head being ripped off my body. Mmm, sexy.

My first weekend in Forks, Washington, was boring. Phil disappeared for a couple days only to reappear with some two bit whore who claimed she was a vampire. He stabbed her in the heart with a steak. She then contracted some type of disease from raw meat and died as he splashed water on her face. He ran out of holy water and stakes.

Students flipped me the bird in the parking lot. Oh boohoo, I gave you herpes. Cry me a river. I was happy though, I think I was finally fitting in. After English class, where I weaseled my way out of the pop quiz, I walked outside to find...Snow.

"Wow," Mike said, "It's snowing."

"Fucking hate snow." I said.

He nodded eagerly. "Snow sucks!"

The snow's evil little Devil eyes glistened with mirth. The snow's evil little Devil mouths twitched a smirk. I screamed in rage and tripped over the snow that landed on my head. Ouch. I felt my bone pop and looked at the white tip ripping out of my skin. I reset it and walked with a stomp in my feet and tripped over the air.

Throughout the morning everyone giggled like little girls about the snow. I glared at the evil Devil things. The things ruined my spectacular day, being all innocent and white and perky. Stupid evil Devil things. After Spanish class, Jess and I walked to lunch. I held a binder in my hand, ready to whack someone in the face if they attempted to touch me with those evil Devil things.

"Bell–"

I whipped my binder around into the face of Alice Cullen. The binder broke in half. What the hell?

"Sorry." I said. I picked up the remains of the binder and hit her across the head again with it. Now I had four pieces. Weird.

Alice smiled bubbly, showing her pointy vampric teeth. "Hi, I'm Alice!"

"Bitch, you broke my binder."

She frowned. "I'm sorry..."

"Whatever. You owe me a binder." With that said, I left.

In Biology class I found Edward Cullen sitting at his table. I smiled flirtatiously as I sat down.

"I'm sorry for blatantly ignoring you last week. You were so freaking slutty that I just couldn't deal. I'm Edward Cullen."

"Bella Swan." I replied. Suddenly I felt something cold and wet on my face and wiped my hand across my forehead to find evil Devil things. I picked up my broken binder and slammed it down on Edward's crotch. He squeaked in pain and fell of his chair. Yeah, bitch.


	3. Phenomnomnomnomnom

**Hey, guys, I just want to thank you for all of the alert subscriptions. However, it would be wonderful if you could drop off a review. It really makes me swell up with love when I know that you liked it. It's my goal in life to make people laugh, so if you could tell me _if_ you laughed and _what_ you laughed it, it would mean the world. :)**

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><p><em>Chapter Three<em>

_Phenomnomnomnomnom_

_**~Dreamland~**_

"_No, Edward, we can't." I admonished, slapping his hand away. "I'm on the rag."_

_His eyes flashed black and he attacked me._

"_Ah, Edward, don't st—_

_**~Reality~**_

When I opened my eyes in the morning, I could feel something wasn't right. I let out a shriek and Charlie burst down the door with a column. He dropped the white pillar and his gun appeared in his hand.

"Freeze, dirtbag!"

Phil's eyes shot towards Charlie. He dropped the stake and his fake vampire fangs slipped out of his mouth. The hooker twirled the bottom of her white blouse.

She snapped her gum and looked at her watch. "We gonna continue this, or what?"

Charlie rolled his eyes and turned around to leave.

"Dad!" I called. "I need some clothes." I motioned towards my blanket clad body.

He grimaced and left, his cheeks puffing up as he gagged. I looked down, I wasn't _that _bad, was I? Oh, right, daughter, duh! I was still a sexy bitch, though.

"Get a room." I said offhandedly as I dropped my blanket and started to walk out of the room.

The slut flipped me off and continued her little role play. "I'm a naughty school girl and you're the evil vampire looking for dinner." she told him.

"Uh, no, I'm pretty sure you're a fifty-year-old burnt out hooker."

A sharp slapping sound. "Naughty."

I took my shower to block out the morning sexscapade going on in my room. When I got out I put on the big shirt and the big belts that went with it. I picked up the hoop earrings. I don't have my ears pierced...oh well! I jammed the medal through my ear and felt something wet and sticky slide down my earlobe. I gagged as I put on my stripper heels. The smell of ickyness invaded my nose and I passed out on the bathroom floor.

"Bellsie-wellsie, wake _uuuuuuuu_pppp. You're late for schooooooool." I felt a sharp sting on my cheek. "I said, wake up!"

I slapped the face away and heard the sound of ripping skin. Something wet and icky smelling touched my face as I opened my eyes. I looked up at Phil and some him bleeding profusely – I used a big word! Something white and bony looking was poking out of his cheek. I rubbed my eyes with a shrug and noticed this huge glob of skin on my big-ass ring. Grodi! I kicked Phil ninja style off of me.

He glared at me. "I would shove a stake through your heart, but you're not a vampire, and that would be a fuck of a splinter."

I stood up and threw a bowl and some cereal down my throat on my way out. I knew why I wanted to go to school so badly today, and it was for a very, _very _stupid reason. TACO DAY! Mmm, tacos. Mama loves her tacos. I know that could be an analogy (BIG WORD!) for likin' the lesbians, but it's not, okay? I like PENIS! PEEENISSS! I especially like fish tacos. Mmm. Yummy.

I should be avoiding tacos all together after the last time...

"_Mmm, tacos." I moaned as I took a big bite._

"_Lesbo." someone hissed._

"_I wonder how she does _IT_?" someone else whispered._

"_Scissoring." I spontaneously said. "Scissors. Get your kid's back to school supplies fifty percent off! Lose fifty pounds in seventy-six days! _'You talkin' to me? YOU TALKIN' TO ME?' Taxi Driver_, 1976."_

_Suddenly, our whole world was pitch black and words appeared. "What has search overload done to us?" a voice sounded throughout invisible speakers as we looked to see some type of website. "Find the cure at bing dot com."_

Shudder. I should probably just skip the tacos...Mmm, tacos. Next week, then no more. It took all of my concentration to not think about those yummy, soft, moist things as I walked down the icy-slick driveway. However, I slipped anyway and I heard a crunch.

"Owy."

Ooom, tacos are crunchy.

I flew through the air as I slipped again. I flew through the conveniently open car window. I landed face first on the hard leather seats. Mmmm, penises were hard. Yum! Clearly, today was going to be fantastic! I put the car in drive and shot out of the driveway, and by shot, I mean the fastest this ugly junk-bucket can go to, i.e., five miles per hour.

While driving to school, I distracted myself so I didn't start to think of those yummy tacos. Mmm, tacos. All crunchy, or soft, mm. With lettuce and meat and sauces and cream and– BAD BELLA! I wiped the drool off my chin and then contemplated. What to think of, what to think of...I wonder how big Mike's wiener is...Snort, probably not that big. He hadn't walked up to me yet and asked for my services, I wonder when that is going to happen?

My cellphone buzzed – because I totally have one – and I let go of the steering wheel as I answered the call.

"What's up, bitch?" Jessica questioned.

"Nothin', skank." I responded. I looked at my nails. "God, my nail beds are horrible."

"Your nails are uh-mazing! Bleh, my chest is sooo flat."

"Yeah, flat as a board." I agreed.

She scoffed. "Uh! They are _nawt_!"

"You just said they were."

"I was looking for sympathy."

"What the fuck is sympathy?"

_Click, dial tone_. Seriously, what the fuck is a sympathy? Totes not in my dictionary. I threw my phone in my bag and parked the car. Hey, what's with the sirens? IDK. OMG, the lights are so perrrty! I looked over at the school to where the cafeteria was. I put a hand to my stomach. Soon, child.

My car slipped a couple times on the ice when I was talking to Jess, I wonder why. I looked at the wheels, must need to be rotated or some shit. Wait, they rotate every time I drive. Stupid, Bella. I plucked a mud covered note from one of the tires. It read:

_Bells,_

_Too lazy to put snow chains on the wheels. I mean, I _am _forty or fifty or sixty, however the fuck old I am, whatever, I'm too old for this shit. Put your own damn snow chains on._

_Hope you don't die!_

_Love,_

_Charlie_

_I mean, Dad._

I choked up with tears. How thoughtful of him. I rubbed at my eyes. Mom would never do that. Ever. She was to busy screwing that hobo down the street...

_Holy fuck, it's raining out. There goes my good mood. I stomped around the house. "Mom, it's rainin'!"_

_Her only response was, "DON'T STOP!"_

_I hope she contracts a disease. Stupid betch. I grumbled to myself as I passed Phil when walking outside. Poor loser._

"_Hiya, Bells!" he said excitedly. He had his 'baseball' bag over his shoulder. I picked up the discarded cap from the coat rack._

"_Forgot that, dumb ass."_

_He giggled. "Thanks, Bellsie-wellsie."_

_I walked out of the doorway and hopped on my sexy bike. I put on my pink helmet and played with the tassels on the handlebars. I honked the twinkling bell as I rode down the sidewalk._

"_Nice training wheels." someone commented as I passed._

_I beamed. "Thank you!"_

_I stared down the walkway, the pebble sat in front of my wheel. So we meet again. I started to ride again and my bike halted. I flipped off and landed face first onto the concrete. I set my crooked nose and poked my eye back in place. I cried as I wiped off the blood and touched tender skin. That's when I noticed the letter attached to the basket on my bike. It read:_

Bella,

Don't die, bitch.

Love,

Mom.

_I started to choke up with tears. That kid wasn't serious at all! He _hated _my training wheels. WEHHHH!_

You're so nice, Daddy. I pocketed the note as I wiped a few stray tears away. That was when I heard an odd sound, sitting at the back of my truck. It was heart breaking.

"NO! THE TACOS!" the lunch lady screamed so loud we could hear her in the parking lot. "THEY ALL DROPPED ON THE GROUND!...I GUESS I'LL JUST HAVE TO DUMP THE HAIRY, DIRTY, TACO MEAT INTO THE MYSTERY MEAT NOW. DARN!"

Noooooo! MY TACOS!

That was when I heard another dying sound. It was like a dying cat. A screeching, wailing, cringe-worthy sound.

"Hit me baby one mo' time!" Jessica sang as she walked pass.

I covered my ears. Okay, _this _was when I heard _the _sound. You know, the one where it leaves you on the edge of your seat. I turned around in horror. There it was. ICE CREAM TRUCK! Aw, but they were all sold out. AND IT WAS HEADING RIGHT TOWARDS ME! AHH!

You know, when something scary is happening, nothing actually slows down. No, your adrenaline speeds up. I noticed multiple things at once.

One. Edward Cullen was standing four cars down looking sexy as fuck.

Two. Oh, wait, no, that's it.

Damn, he looks sexy today. I purred as I waved towards him. Me_ow_. I lifted my hand and wiggled my fingers in a hello. I winked at him as he stared in shock. I liked my lips slowly and then jammed my tongue against my cheek. He pointed behind me. No, baby, it's just you and me. I grinned as I pulled out a banana from my lunch. I pulled the peel slowly. His motions became more desperate as he pointed frantically. You. And me. I shoved the banana in my mouth and chomped on it seductively. I chewed deliberately, slowly. Yeah, that's what you like. Wait, no, why is he wincing?

I felt something rock hard push me to the ground. My head smacked against the concrete and I winced. Oh, that's right, the ice cream truck! Edward put his hands out and the truck flew threw the air and into the forest with the force of his sexy hand.

"No, Edward!" I whined. "I want some ice cream!"

Edward discreetly jumped up through the air and flew away.

"It's a bird!" someone said.

"No, it's a plane!" someone corrected.

"Uh, no," I said, "It's Edward freakin' Cullen!"

I felt a sharp sting on the back of my head. I looked up to see Alice Cullen glaring at me. "She hit her head."

"But it was Edward!"

Alice sunk her teeth into my neck and pulled back, her eyes blood red. "See? She's bleeding."

"You're right." Coach Clapp agreed. "She's delusional."

I scowled. "And you are too if you ever think I'm givin' you head again, asswipe!"

"Well, since the highway accident a few minutes prior, the ambulances are still here. They can drive her to the hospital." Coach said.

"I can drive her." Alice said. "I can get her to see the doctor faster that way."

He nodded. "Alrighty then, sounds like a plan. You kids be careful, now."

Alice dragged me along to the shiny Grandpa's car.

"Are we really going to the hospital?"

She nodded. "Yep, like I said, bleeding, delusional."

She buckled me in, got in her own side, slid the keys in the ignition, put it in drive, and shot out of the parking lot at a speed so fast my skin was in the backseat. Alice reached back and handed it to me. I would have thanked her, but, you know, skeleton and all. I put my skin back on, drizzling some superglue while I was at it.

She heaved me over her shoulder after she parked and pulled me out of the car.

"How old are you, anyway?" I asked.

"I'm thirteen." she answered. "Physically. But I've been on this earth for a very long time." she saluted the nurses as she walked me to a room and paged the doctor.

A sexy fucking beast walked in. He had sexy blonde hair and sexy pale skin with sexy weird yellow eyes. Sexy.

"Hello," he greeted, "I'm Dr. Sexy Cullen. You're Bella?"

I nodded. "Nice to meet you, Dr. Cullen."

He chuckled. "Please, call me Sexy. What's the damage?"

Alice dragged a chair over and stood on it to whisper in his ear.

"Ah," he mused. "Alrghty, then, lets get started." he held up his hand. "How many fingers?"

I studied his hand. "O-One, t-t-t-t-t...wo? Two. Six...Eighty. DAMMIT! YOU MOVED. Now I have to start over. One...seven...blue...orange...Peter..."

"Five!" he exploded. "I'm holding _five_. Anyway, you seem to be fine, just really stupid. Now, if you excuse me." He walked over to his next patient who had a broken arm slung in a cast.

"Come on, Bells." Alice said.

As I walked away with her I heard.

"Please, call me Sexy. It seems like you have a broken arm here, alright, how many fingers...?"

"Your father's sexy." I informed her.

She nodded. "That's his name! Runs in the family. Grandfather Sexy, Jasper Sexy Hale. Emmett Sexy Cullen. Dr. Sexy Cullen. Rosalie Sexy Hale."

"Grandfather Sexy?"

She shoved me playfully, causing me to knock back a couple of yards. When I walked back over to her she snickered. "Nah, I'm just kidding. We're not even related. We're vampires who thirst for blood."

I laughed. "Funny."

"Hey, look, there's Edward! Go have a casual fight with him and don't talk for a month." she pushed me towards him and I stumbled into his rock-like chest. That's going do leave a bruise.

"You owe me an explanation." I reminded, crossing my arms.

"I don't owe you jack shit. I saved your worthless life."

I fingered his ugly shirt from the early 1900s. "I think you do."

"Bella, you hit your head, you're psycho if you think I owe you _anything_."

"There's nothing wrong with my head!"

"I think I can argue that." he muttered. He held up his hand. "If you can read how many fingers I'm holding up, then I'll tell you."

"Don't sound so confident." I chided. I looked at his fingers. "Five."

He sighed, shaking his hand. "I closed my fist, Bella."

I furrowed my eyebrows. "Six?"

He rolled his eyes and walked away. I was so angry it took me a couple of minutes to finally move again. DAMM IT! Bitch fucking dropped my tacos.


	4. Invitations

**Note: Underlined words are meant to be strikethrough.**

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><p><em>Chapter Four<em>

_Invitations_

It was that night, I dreamed of Edward Cullen...Well, you know, I do that every night. But _this_ night it was special. It was pitch dark, which was weird. I mean, I'm not one for having the lights off when I'm gettin' down an' dirty. Plus the fact that a lot of the time they miss the hole...Not that I would know, I mean, I _am_ a virgin (Ha!). My mom, however, screams pretty damn loud. Plus that fateful night I was playing hide and seek...

"_O-O-Oh, G– That's not right. A little lower. I said lower. That's my ear!"_

"_I can't see anything!" he protested nervously._

_There was a rustling sound as skin moved against skin. He gasped and gagged. "Ew! I'm so totally gay now."_

But back to the dream. I was, well, actually, I was standing up. Woo! Never done it this way before. But I wasn't leaning against anything either. How does _that_ work? Oh no! He's gonna take me up the ass!

Something was glowing in the distance, as it got clearer, I could make out that it was Edward Cullen. He was not going to take me up the ass, or the front for that matter. Why is he walking away? Stop walking away! Why is his skin glowing? Why is he walking away.

"Wait, Eddy!" I called. "Bella's here!" As I said that, he seemed to walk faster, but I doubt that. I mean, hello, it's me we're talking about.

No matter how fast I walked, I could never catch him. Well real him is better than dream him anyway. Stupid dream Edward.

The month that followed the accident was weird. Like, tense and crap. Like, if I had a knife, I would cut Edward. Because he made it so tense! My dreams were hardly fulfilling, I woke up horny and cranky. My clients stopped seeing me and went to Lauren Fake-Blonde-Hair. It was totally embarrassing and depressing. I have needs, dammit!

However, to my enjoyment, I was the centered of attention the rest of the week. Fuck yeah. Tyler Crowley was relentless. You know, the dick who tried to kill me with the ice cream truck? Him. He said he would give me free ice cream for a year. Which was awesome, ya know? But he also insisted that I took my time pleasuring other people, but never myself. Little freak.

He copped a feel every time in the hallway.

No one seemed concerned of Edward. No matter how many times I said he was the one who saved me. Alice would slap me so hard my head would spin all the way around on my neck. So, I stopped saying it was Edward, and instead said Alice. But then Rosalie slapped me. And her slaps aren't gentle either. Freaking bi-polar ghost freaks.

When Edward sat next to me in Biology, he acted as if I didn't exist. Even when my fingers trailed up his thigh. Nothing. No trembling, not even a hard on! What the hell? So I gave up on that and decided two could play at his stupid little game.

Edward Cullen, you say? Of course I know hi– I mean, who?

The only time I remotely even acknowledged him was when I sat down and pleasantly said, "Hello, Eddikins!" He didn't say anything so I leaned forward and licked his cheek. Bleh! I wiped at my tongue and found glitter on my cheek. Oh. My. God. No wonder! He was gay! It makes so much sense now!

But I like a challenge.

Mike, was obviously very pleased by the cool as a cucumber attitude Edward and I had goin' on. Damn, now I'm hungry. Every class Mike would sit on the edge of my desk, his back turned to Edward. He would talk about stuff that I didn't understand.

Jessica walked up to me one day and asked if she could take Mike to the dance. I, of course said no. I need a backup plan if Edward says no. But why would he? Uh, hello, it's me we're talking about here. Sexy Bella Swan. Irresistible Bella Swan. Gets Whatever She Wants Without Lifting a Finger Bella Swan.

Mike sat beside me on the corner of the desk, smiling. "Hiya, Bellsie-wellsie."

Edward glared at him. Ha, yeah, bitch, be jealous. All of a sudden, like, I couldn't even see what happened, but Mike was groaning as he lay slumped on the floor. What the fuck?

"D-Did you see that?" I asked Edward.

"We can't be friends, Bella!" he snapped.

"W-Wha—?" I mumbled. _Whaaaaaaaaaaaaa—?_

"I'm no good for you."

"H-Hu—?" _Huuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu—?_

"Bella!" his voice sounded like...sharp pointiness. Like...his voice...just cut me. Ow! I think I'm bleeding. "What if I'm...not _good_? What if I'm bad?"

"Bad at what?" Wait! Not _good_? Liek, oh my Edward! He's talking about...about the naughty thing that's like...forbidden in Twilight. "Edward, you'll be great! Like, great! Really! You could never be bad!"

"Huh?"

Mike was by our side in a second, rubbing his head. "I was wondering, if...maybe...you wanted to...ya know...go to prom...with me."

I gasped. He wanted to go...with me. OME! "Yes!" Wait, no, Edward, remember? He's your conquest...But it's Mike, we're talking about, here! Besides, it's obvious Edward has some type of self esteem problem.

His eyes went as wide as...as something...as wide as something...round and big... "Really? Uh, wow! That's great!"

And _that_ is how Mike ended up in Law and Order: SVU. Ah, shoot. I always get them confused! I mean the ICU.

During lunch, Eric walked up to me and shyly asked to go to prom with me.

I stared in horror at his fugly, pimply, unworthy face. "I...am...uh...I can't."

"How come?"

"Err...I...uh...Am going to be on the rag that day."

"Nasty. Do you, like, mark it on a calender, or something?"

"I mean...I have to attend my father's funeral that day."

His eyes widened. "Charlie's dead?"

I cocked the gun in my hand. "Not yet."

He started to cry as he ran out of the room.

"They're just blanks!"

Most people were out that day, going to see Mike. Yet, somehow, for the convenience of this story, there was a really long line as we were leaving to go home. Edward pulled in front of me in his shiny silver Grandma car. Dammit! He was just _sitting_ there. Like, seriously! Sitting there. He even turned his car off, I think...!

I let out a screech of fear as a cat broke my window and jumped on my face. Once I managed to get it off of me, and check for a collar, I found a note.

_Marry me?_

_Go to prom with me?_

_Love_

_Forever Yours_

_Utterly Devoted_

_Tyler_

_P.S. Check YES or No, please._

**No.** I checked. I threw the cat back through my broken window. Cars were honking behind me. Edward had left, I wonder when. I continued to dwell on just _how_ he had left as I went back home.

The next day at school, I fumbled with how to hold my car keys right when they suddenly fell on the ground in a dirty ass puddle. A blurry white thing flashed before me and a dirty pale hand held out my car keys to me.

"Go to Seattle with me?"

"I don't _get _you. One day you're eye fucking me (I was loving it!) and the next you're completely ignoring me."

"We shouldn't be friends. I'm no good for you. I have...dangerous qualities that might put you in dangerous dangery situations. Danger."

"B-But I love you even though I met you four chapters ago."

"Go to Seattle with me."

"Okay."

"I'm dangerous. Stay away from me."

And he was gone.


	5. Blood Type

_**I had SUCH writer's block with this chapter, it was ridiculous. Everything I tried to write, I scrapped it. Ugh! So frustrating! It's so short, I apologize. But it's all I could manage to squeeze out. By the way, Happy Turkey day!**_

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><p><em>Chapter Five<em>

_Blood Type_

Edward ignored me all day. I don't understand why. I mean, I thought we actually had a chance but then he just...just ran away! Bastard! Edward wasn't in Biology either, so I couldn't give him the silent treatment for giving _me_ the silent treatment.

Mr. Banner came into the room, carrying a box with a huge smile. "I'm so awesome and smart!" he cheered. "The Red Cross is having a blood drive in Port Angeles next weekend, so I thought you should all know your blood type. See? Awesome _and_ smart! Let's begin!"

I shivered. I hate blood. With the passion in my butt hole. He handed out a bunch of stuff and stood in front of Mike Newton, explaining what to do.

"For the sake of this story, I won't bore you with the details. So you do this and that and then this and walla! Like Edward Cullen waved his dick and granted all of your wishes! There's your blood type. Okay! Do It on your own now!"

I picked up the needle and a felt like a big ball of something heavy and toxic was dropped in my stomach. Let me think of an example...Like...chocolate cake. Heavy and poisonous...to my hips! I gripped the needle and went to prick me finger only to drag the needle along my arm, up the river not across to all of you suicidal people out there. I pushed the needle deeper, but only a thin line of blood appeared. I pulled the needle out and started to stab my arm.

"LOVE ME EDWARD!"

Someone tried to pull the needle away from me but I stabbed them in the eye.

"LOVE _MEEEE_!" I sobbed as I stabbed all of the people around me and myself with the pointy silvery pointyness. Soon, the room was a blood bath and I waited for the men in coats to drag me away. For the plot of this story, _now_ the icky smell of blood hit my nose like a ton of bricks. Motherfucker! I think the red devils broke my nose! I held my nose and my bloody limbs as I fainted at the sight and smell of the evil red liquid.

I woke up to the sound of crinkly paper underneath me. Concerned golden eyes hovered above me. No, not golden, more butterscotch, no...no, that's not right either. They were like a twinkling burnt yellow. Wait, no, more of a caramel. Maybe an amber.

As I pondered the color of Edward's enchanted eyes, he opened his mouth to speak his beautiful velvet-like voice and then the nurse walked into her office. She greeted me with a smile and motioned towards me arm and cheeks.

"Did quite a number on yourself, you crazy bitch, how are you?"

I looked down to see a bunch of Scooby-Doo band-aids littering my arms and, as it felt, my cheeks. I looked back up at our school nurse, grasped my pillow and chucked it at her face.

"You stupid twat! I _hate_ Scooby-Doo! How many times do I have to say it? I want fucking Hello-Kitty! Goddammit!"


	6. Scary Stories

**I'm being very inconsistent with Bella's personality, I apologize. But to be honest, I don't know what I want her to be; Horny, stupid, annoying, love-sick, smart_, _sarcastic—who knows? Let's do all of it!**

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><p><em>Chapter Six<em>

_Scary Stories_

Edward told the nurse he would drive me home, saying I was unstable because I tried to kill everyone and myself in the class. I think that guy's delusional. Edward, being the teacher's pet that he is, actually followed through and was pulling me out the door as I think.

Before Edward could heroically force, I mean, gently shov—guide me into the car while I'm kicking an—He's not abusive, okay? Anyway, before he could be totally sweet and romantic and concerning by holding my captive in a car by fang-point, Mike stopped us.

I don't know when he got out of _Law & Order: SVU_—I mean, the hospital, but either way, he's back. He's hawt. I drooled as he talked to me. I discreetly wiped the slobber off my mouth and onto Edward's sweater.

Mike had a look of disgust on his face for some reason. I wonder why.

"Hi, Mike." I smiled, purposely being flirty. Take that, Doucheward!

"Hey, Bella." He swept his head forward in a soft arc to brush the ba—Oh, wait, this is 2003. He...um...raked a hand through his gelled spikes. Yeah, there we go. Anyway, onwards with the st—I mean, my internal monologue. "I was just, uh, wondering, if you'd like to go to, ya know, La Push with me to this bonfire thing. It's only for, like, not lame sparkly vampires, though. So fang-face over here will ha-"

Mike was interrupted by Edward punching him in the face and dragging me to his car. "How dare he talk to my girlfriend? He's lucky I didn't grab a hold of that part that _ahem_ spot that I'm not allowed to say 'cause Stephenie's a prude...and rip it right off and shove it down his throat!"

I gazed at him longingly. "Oh, Edward, you're so sweet, defending my honor like that. But I'm going to La Push anyway because I just remembered that's where all the Indians are with the long hippy hair that have the silly ghost stories that might tell me what the fu—I mean, what the gee whiz you are!"

"Bella, you're not making sense, maybe I should take you ba—"

I flipped out my switch blade and held it up to his neck. "I will cut you."

He turned on the car and shot out of the parking lot like a bat outta hell. I smirked in a self satisfied sort of way. Before I could blink, the car was parked in my driveway and Edward let the car idle while I pondered how we got here so fast and how he knew where to go.

"How do you know where I live?"

He visibly gulped, his Adams apple bobbing. "I—er—well, everyone knows where the chief of police lives,"—that's not weird—"It's not like I _stalk_ you or anything. Don't be ridiculous, Bella; age seventeen, brown eyes, five-four and sleeps with her window cracked open."

"That's very observant guessing my height like that."

He gave me a grin that looked a little unstable.

"Hey, what about my car?"

"Your car will be here later."

"B-But how? You don't even have the keys—"

He looked at me dead on in the eyes. "I have my ways. Now, bitch, get the fuck outta my ride, you stankin' up the place."

I stuttered out a sorry and tripped face-first on the sidewalk. As I was wiping away the blood, I saw Edward drive away, his shiny Volvo bobbing up and down as he head-banged his head out the window while listening to obnoxiously loud rap music.

I stood up and walked into Phil. I glared up at him. "What the fu—fiddlestix Phil? Get the fu—fooeyhooey outta my way!"

Phil wasn't looking at me though. Or at least, I don't think he was. He had sunglasses on so I couldn't see his eyes. But I assume he was looking in the direction of where Edward was pimpin'. He whipped his sunglasses off and let his eyes bore into the car like some dramatic angst ridden detective show.

"Your boyfriend, what's his name?"

I internally squealed at the term boyfriend. _BOYFRIEND! _But I looked at Phil coolly and said, "Edward."

He looked thoughtful. "You're boyfriend...he's a...he's a..."

I leaned forward anxiously. "_What_? What is he?"

He snorted. "Queer, obviously."

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><p><strong>Well, there ya have it. Chapter, um, six, right? Yeah, six. Anyway, thanks to all who reviewed last chapter. *Gives pointed look to readers* Nah, I don't care. However, I WOULD appreciate it if you reviewed and told me if you laughed and if so, what you laughed at. It brings me joy. <strong>

**P.S. Cookies to anyone who totally knows what I wanted to sing when Edward was pimpin'. **

**Peace out, bitches!**


	7. Nightmare

_Chapter Seven_

_Nightmare._

It was pouring hard outside when my truck crashed on top of the roof. It was like someone just..._threw_ it. But that's ridiculous. I grabbed my keys and climbed onto the roof. The car completely crashed through Charlie's bedroom and landed in the living room. I jumped through the hole and got into my car. I had to drive through the wall to park my car back to the driveway, but I don't think Charlie would mind. Now he could watch his sports channel without being disturbed by my car. I'm so thoughtful.

The next day at school Jessica casually asked me what had happened in my biology class. I kept my face blank as I calmly punched her in the face and told her to mind her business.

"Bella went totally bat-shit crazy, Jess!" Mike said enthusiastically. I calmly punched him in the nuts to shut him up. I didn't want Edward to hear about this embarrassing predicament.

I discreetly watched the Cullen table to see if Edward had overheard anything.

"Wow, Bella, stare much?" Lauren asked, cruel amusement in her eyes. She was just jealous that Edward didn't rescue _her_ yesterday. "Why don't you just go over and talk to him?"

Tears sprung to my eyes. What did I do to deserve such horrible treatment from her. Her nasally voice cut into my deeply. I was new here, and only had a few friends, Lauren and I are only acquaintances really, but I didn't expect her to be so mean to me—she didn't even know me!

"I think he really likes you." she continued to claw at my soul.

I stood up from the table. I wasn't going to put up with this! What a bitch!

When I got home from school and finished making Charlie and Phil their dinner (Captain Crunch. Yum!), I asked him if he knew Lauren and why she was such a bitch.

"She's always been nice to me. Sweet kid, that one."

Faker. She was such a faking, parent-ass-kissing bitch.

Phil nodded as he scooped up some of his dinner enthusiastically. "Her mom's a sexy—"

I stopped listening then and turned to Charlie. "Do you like dinner, Dad? Made it myself."

He smiled appreciatively. "Yeah, Bells, it's great."

"Why aren't you eating any?'

"Well, Bella, I've told you, I'm lactose intolerant."

"What does that have to do with you eating the dinner I made you?"

He slapped his palm on his forehead in realization—he _could_ eat the dinner. Captain Crunch had nothing to do with being allergic to pigs. He threw away his cereal and went to the living room. Must not be hungry...

"WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED TO MY LIVING ROOM?"

The next day I sneaked out of the house to meet Mike at his little campsite (I was grounded from _supposedly_ trashing the roof, Charlie's bedroom, and the living room.). I found directions to La Push and found Mike trying to light a fire.

I sat on one of the logs next to the fire pit. Lauren was sneering at me. I glared and she looked away, asking Angela a question. Angel looked at me and shrugged, mouthing something that made Lauren slouch.

Some tan thirteen-year-old kid sat next to me. He smiled. "Hey, Bella Swan, right?"

I nodded.

"I'm Jake Black. We used to eat mud together when we were younger."

Jake...Jake...Jake...Hmm...Oh! "Jake! It's good to see ya! How old are you know, kid? Twelve?"

He scowled. "Fifteen."

I laughed and slugged his shoulder. "Funny." I ruffled his head. "How are you, cutie? Got any little girlfriends yet?"

"I'm two years younger than you."

"Sure, kid. You just want to grow up fast. I remember when you were _this_ big."

He looked up at the sky and then ground. We lapsed into comfortable silence.

Mike finally got a tiny fire started and looked at me proudly. "Hey, Bells. Pretty, huh?"

"Sure."

"Where's Cullen?" Mike asked. "I heard you invited him."

"I di—"

"The Cullens don't come here." Someone interrupted, rudely, I would say. Doesn't he know manners. Some buff, short haired, tan kid said it.

"Who the fu—dge nuggets are you?" _Pg13, Bella. No f-bombs!_

He didn't answer and I turned to Jake expectantly.

"What did he mean the Cullens don't come here?"

Jake looked at me. "Well, the legend of the tribe is that the Cullens are vampires and my ancestors are werewolves. The wolves made some treaty that the Cullens wouldn't come on our reservation and we wouldn't kill them. Stupid, really."

I stared. "Vampires?"

He nodded and mimed fangs. "Rah!"

"Tell me more and I'll give you a blow job." I bribed. He looked around to see if anyone had heard that. Nope. He pulled me up and dragged me down the beach and into a patch of woods. He blabbed on about this whole story. I cannot believe I'm about to give a nine-year-old head.

"How old are you again?" I asked as I pulled his pants down.

"Fifteen."

I snorted. His baby penis begs to differ.

When I got home that day I searched vampires on Google, it only took about five hours for my computer to load completely. Some movie named Twilight came up, and a couple actors named Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson. Weird. I hit my backspace key and decided to do vampire lore instead.

A few dramatic key words popped out at me: _Old names (e.g. Edward, Emmett, Rosalie, Jasper, etc.); pale skin; spiky hair; weird eyes; hot._

Well, I guess that settles that. Edward's a blood sucking old dude. That is so _hawt_.

I grabbed Phil's CD player and some headphones. I needed a distraction from all this drama. Phil's off hunting vampires. Oh no! What if he hunts Edward? I'll have to tell him Monday at school. I turned the volume up on the CD player all the way. Lady Gaga blasted in my ears and soon I was falling asleep to her sweet lyrics.

"_Don't want your money,_

_(Want your money)_

_That shit's ugly,_

_Just want your sex,_

_(Want your sex)_

_Take a bite of my bad girl meat,_

_(Bad girl meat)_

_Take a bite of me,_

_Show me your teeth."_

In my dream, I was giving Jake head when suddenly I pulled back from brightness. I turned around and saw Edward behind me, his body shinning like stars in the night sky. I tried to shove away from Jake, I didn't want him to get the wrong idea. It was then that Edward offered a threesome. I saw hell yeah and then all of a sudden Edward pushed me down and started to give Jake a blow job. What? This was _not_ what I had in mind! All of a sudden Edward grew fangs and and in place of Jacob was a wolf that was humping the hell out of Edward's leg. I don't like this dream. I think I'm going to wake up now.

_"Show me your teeth,_

_Just tell me when,_

_Show me your teeth, _

_Open your mouth boy,_

_Show me your teeth,_

_Show me whatcha got,_

_Show me your teeth, teeth, teeth, teeth,_

_Show me your teeth."_

* * *

><p><strong>I can't say I'm a big fan of Lady Gaga, but I do love her song "Teeth". If you love Lady Gaga and the Vampire Diaries you should watch the Hillywood's parody. It's awesome. On a different note, hope ya liked the chapter. :)<strong>


	8. Port Angeles

_Chapter Eight_

_Port Angeles_

The next day at school, Jessica invited me to go dress shopping. I squealed and bounced off the walls. We had to call the scientists to anchor me back to the ground. Once I was situated, Jessica turned to me with a smile.

"Okay, so that took a good ten hours and after all the Channel Six News interviews," she turned around to giggle at the reporters and flip her hair over her shoulder. She proceeded to twirl her brown hair and wiggle her fingers. She suddenly dropped her pen, I started to bend down to help her pick it up, 'cause I'm selfless like that, but she had already bent down, her ass towards the cameras. Her waist swished back and forth, I thought she was about to fall, so I, again, went to help her but she was already up and sucking on her pen cap. Doesn't she know how unsanitary that is?

I reached over and yanked the pen out of her hand. "This was just on the _ground! _You probably just caught AIDS or Cancer or something equally as terrifying, like, Justin Bieber's singing. Egads!"

She glared at me. "Bella, I'm _working _here." She turned around and continued to shake it. I stared at her, confuzzled. What was she _doing_? While Jessica was doing some weird worm-like move around a randomly appearing pole, I turned towards the cameras and threw a book at the screen. I ended up trashing my very old, very valuable copy of _Harry Pothead, _but it was worth it, 'cause Jessica finally finished her sentence and stopped dancing.

"Now that _that's_ over with, lets go to the mall!"

I jumped up and down and started to squeal. We had to call the scientists back, but once that predicament was re-solved, Jessica, Angela and I were in Jessica's rust bucket and traveling down the highway. This is going to be sooo much fun!

Later, I stood in front of the mirror, admiring myself. Ravishing. I was gorgeous, honestly. Tears stung my eyes. God, I'm fucking beautiful!

"Bella, you _do _realize that's a wedding dress, right? This is prom." Angela said.

I pushed her to the floor. "Shut up, bitch!" I smiled at the mirror. "Mrs. Edward Cullen, here I come!" I tried walking out of the store with the dress in my purse, but _somehow _the cashier saw it and called the cops on me. I think she's a vampire, like Edward, how else would she have seen the dress? She must have x-ray vision!

Angela and Jessica bailed me out and on our way to a different prom store, I told them my theories.

"I don't think that cashier was human, I mean, how else could she have seen the dress, right? It's the only explanation!"

Angela put a gentle hand on my shoulder as Jessica snorted with laughter in the front seat. "Bella, sweetheart, the train of the dress was trailing on the ground."

I gaped. "So you saw it too! You're not human either!"

She face-palmed herself and didn't talk to me the rest of the ride. This sucks! I totally got the short end of the stick, here, being the only human in a town full of vampires!

At the new store, I found the most absolute beautiful dress, even more than that stunning white dress in the last store. It reminded me a lot of the type of chic clothes I wore to school that used to be Mom's. The dress was pink. Pink sequins with white roses embroidered into the design. The dress was strapless, but there was a huge, beautiful silky flower on the shoulder. The sequins of the dress gave away to more pink silk ruffles on the bottom. I hugged it to my body. Gorgeous. Oh, and Jessica and Angela got dresses too.

"I'm starved!" Angela moaned as we got into the car. "Can we go get some dinner?"

"I'm moderately hungry, because ladies don't state hunger statuses such as starving." Jessica said.

"Hey, Jess, actually, I think I'm going to go for a walk to a bookstore even though it's pitch black outside and I'll probably get butt raped by a bunch of drunk guys. I'll catch up with you guys?"

Angela and Jessica nodded and when before I closed the door, I could have sworn I heard something like _good riddance_, but that doesn't make sense. I made my way down the sidewalk, knocking my cane against the ground to make sure I wouldn't bump into anything. Like a bunch of drunk, horny guys.

My cane bumped into something solid and I heard a yelp.

"Ouch!"

"Sorry!" I apologized.

"It's all right. What's your name, baby?"

His voice was like rough velvet and made me shiver in delight. That was when I realized who it was. "Edward?"

"I'll be whoever you want me to be, darling." His hand groped my thigh.

"Ooh, Edward, you're so forward!" I squealed as he patted my ass to nudge me into an alleyway. Just as Edward started to kiss me on my neck, headlights flashed and I heard a sickening crunch. There was a scream and then silence.

"Oh, shit! Did I just run that guy over?"


	9. Theory

**Author's Note: **I didn't reread this, because I'm lazy, so there's probably a lot of typos in this. Sorry.

* * *

><p><em>Chapter Nine<em>

_Theory_

"Hello?" I called. "Who's there?" The headlights on the car were blinding my eyes.

"Well," a voice said, "We best not let this blood go to waste. I mean, this is perfectly good blood here!" There was a chomping noise and then slurping. "Well, that was refreshing!" Suddenly, there was a shadow in front of me.

"Edward!" I squealed. I jumped into his arms and wrapped my legs around his waist. "I missed you, baby!"

Then, I was laying on the ground, my head pounding and my back aching. "Ouch."

"I'm no good for you, Bella!" Edward roared. "We can't be together!"

"But I love you," I protested as I stood up.

"Well, I don't love you!" he said. "I've _never _loved you."

I coughed uncomfortably and looked around a bit. I leaned toward him and whispered in his ear, "Babe, wrong book. This is _Twilight_, not _New Moon_."

"Shit!" He groaned. "I get all of these books mixed up, there's just so many of them, you know?"

I nodded in understanding. "I know, sweetie. Anyway, back in character, come on."

He cleared his throat and looked at me seriously. "This _thing _is killing you, Bella!"

"Wrong book," I repeated. "Really, Edward, you're giving away a lot of spoilers."

"Atticus Finch—"

"_Gawd_, wrong _decade, _Edward!"

Edward sighed in frustration and pinched the bridge of his nose. "Okay, okay, I got this."

I nodded encouragingly. "You can do it, babe."

"Bella, I'm no good for you. Did you not just see what I did?"

I nodded eagerly. "You saved my life. Did you see that creeper? He was going to rape me even though I was totally willing because I haven't had sex since the time my mom bought these clothes." I gestured towards my colorful mini-skirt and legwarmers.

"I haven't had sex since 1916."

I grimaced and looked down at his naughty parts. "Does that thing even _work _anymore?"

"Yeah!" he said defensively. I looked away apologetically. "He's just a little dusty. And he might have some cobwebs."

That's when it dawned on me. "Edward, we can't be together."

He looked outraged. "What? Why not?"

"Because my step-dad he hunts _your type_."

"Vampire hunter, shampire shmunter." Edward waved it away breezily. "I love you, Isabella."

I gaped at him."You _do_? Ohmygosh, I love you too!"

He glared at me. "We can't be together."

I blinked, but nodded solemnly. "You're right."

He shoved me up against the brick wall. "God, you're so _hot, _Bella."

"Take me, Edward!"

He recoiled. "Ew!"

I sighed. "You're like a Katy Perry song."

"Who?"

"Never mind."

"Come on, lets go get some dinner."

I shrugged. "Why not?"

He took me to some fancy, shmancy Italian restaurant that bore my name. Coincidence? I think _not_! We found a table and then a waitress handed us our menus.

"Can I start you off with a drink?" She asked me, leaning across the table. Her shirt was a little low-cut, I noticed.

"Uh, yes, I'll take a—" Edward started.

She turned around and glared at him. "Was I _talking _to you? Be a little chivalrous, asshole, and let the beautiful lady go first." She smiled at me. "What were you saying?"

"Chocolate milkshake, please," I grinned at her.

She leaned a little closer. "What about vanilla, sweetie?"

I paused thoughtfully. "I like vanilla, too."

"Oh, _do _you?" she asked.

I nodded. "I do, but I also like chocolate. You know what? Fuck it! Gimme a strawberry!"

She grinned at me and turned around to look at Edward. "And for you?" She sounded significantly less polite than she did with me.

"Chocolate milk, please!"

She nodded. "Yeah, sure." She turned to me and winked. "Just call, sweetie, if you need _anything_."

"Gotcha!"

I picked up my menu with enthusiasm and so did Edward. The waitress came back five minutes later, ready to take our orders.

"Um, yeaaaah, I would like some, uh, chicken nuggets in the shape of dinosaurs, please, and some applesauce, but the yummy applesauce with the cinnamon on top, okay? Aaaaaaaaaaand I'll take mac and cheese! But the good kind that looks like Spongebob, okay?"

Then Edward placed his order. "I want a cheeseburger, very rare and some french fries. Oooh! And can I get some applesauce, too? But I don't want that yucky cinnamon on there."

She blinked. "Uh, yeah, you _do _realize this is an Italian restaurant, right?"

I looked up at her, my lip quivering. "So, you don't have my dino nuggets?

"No..."

"Or my french fries?" Edward asked, just as sad.

"No..."

Needless to say, we spent the night in jail.


	10. Interrogations and More!

_Chapter Ten through Chapter Fourteen_

_Interrogations and more!_

Edward's sister bailed us out. She looked like a fairy. I asked her if she could sprinkle some fairy dust on me so I could fly with Peter Pan. She smacked me so hard I had to go to the hospital. After I was all patched up, Edward drove me to school, because somehow school is still important even though I have a vampire boyfriend.

School was boring. Nothing happened besides the fact that I tried to have sex with Edward in the custodian closet. He screamed rape and ran down the hall. Pansy.

During Biology I nearly got electrocuted from Edward's skin. We were watching some shitty movie. At least, I think it was shitty. I wasn't paying attention, 'cause ya know...Something funky was going on with Edward's skin.

When Edward dropped me off at my house, he stayed with me and asked me a bunch of questions while we sat on my front porch steps. It was kind of sweet, actually, that he wanted to know everything about me.

"What's your blood type?"

"What kind of panties do you wear?"

"What's your cup size?"

Just so romantic. In turn, I asked him questions.

"Boxers or briefs?"

...That's all I pretty much wanted to know.

Edward had to leave and Charlie got home from work right after. He said he'd order pizza 'cause his friend Billy was coming over with his son.

Billy was super suspicious and shit. "YOUR DAUGHTER'S FUCKING A VAMPIRE!" 

Charlie chuckled. "Ever since Billy's accident, he hasn't been all there, if you know what I mean." He circled his temple with his finger. "Coo-coo." He chuckled again and slapped Billy's shoulder. "Love ya, man."

In chapter twelve, we had more school, so lets just skip that whole ordeal. It's not important. Really, I'm just trying to build up to what happened in the prologue, remember? Remember that? Yeah, it's been a while, huh? Well all this school bullshit doesn't have anything to do with me getting kinky with a vampire.

Edward and I made plans to go hiking. I suspected something like Brokeback Mountain, except it being heterosexual sex. Mmm, I'd like to see Edward in assless chaps and a cowboy hat. It didn't happen. On the upside?...There really was no upside. He took me to a fucking meadow. A MEADOW! And we didn't even have sex. Edward got all protective angsty vampire again and tore his shirt off. He sparkled like a fairy. It was so pretty! I oohed and ahhed appropriately, but he went batshit crazy and tore a tree out of the fucking ground.

He then apologized and when we got back to the car we totally made out. Edward pulled back, even though I was totally willing to give up my v-card...I do too have one! It's the v-card of the mind that matters!

Edward drove back and started talking about himself like there was no tomorrow. I didn't ask, but I found out that him and Carlisle were gay lovers and Carlisle changed him when Edward was dying of AIDS. Or something like that. I dunno, I wasn't paying attention.

It was nighttime by the time when we got back to my house. I found out that Edward watches me when I sleep.

"How often? How often do you come here?"

"I come here almost every night."

"Why?"

"You're interesting when you sleep."

I stared at him. "You...watch...me sleep...?"

He nodded, unabashed. "You talk, when you sleep, that is."

I let out a squeal. "Edward! That's so sweet!" That's when I became angry. "Wait...what did I say?"

"Something about some Edward guy being so _big_ and something about being so sticky. Do you play a lot of video games? Were you fighting a robot with a sticky blaster gun?"

I grimaced. "Yeah, tons. I totally wasn't having a sex dream that I thought about turning into a book because my marriage life is so pathetic that I had to create a fictional character just to get off...I think I'll call it Twilight!"

Edward tilted his head in confusion. "What?"

I shrugged. "I dunno...Lets have sex!"

He recoiled. "Eww! No!"

I pouted. "Ugh, fine. We'll just talk about my pointless jealousies and your obvious obsession with me for the rest of the chapter, then."


End file.
